Frequently Asked Questions About Relationships
Welcome to the Frequently Asked Questions about relationships, covering: partners, family and other interactions.
As always, these are just my opinions. Use your own gut to work out what your truth is. Please seek appropriate professional help before making any major life changes.
Relationships are a fundamental reason for being here. Your relationship with anything affects your point of attraction and therefore what is brought to you.
I believe that there are different types of relationships:
Ultimately, I do not believe it is important to know which relationship falls into which category and I would not advise you to spend too much time trying to work that. As long as you are doing your best to activate the good points of those in your life, then that is all that matters. If you have known someone for thousands of years, or just one minute, all that is relevant is that you feel good!
No, I’m afraid you cannot create in someone else’s reality. It’s a small thing called ‘free will!’ You and you alone are responsible for your life and experience and they and they along are responsible for their life experience. You cannot do for another; they have to choose how they life their life. And whilst you may have the purest of intentions, it really is their experience.
Everyone has their own perspective- especially on how to go round fixing everyone else’s life. However, you must make your focus, feeling good. And odds are, if you looking at what someone else should be doing, then you are almost certainly focusing upon lack and whether it is lack within self, or another individual- it is still lack. And you will eventually make that, your point of attraction.
It has been wisely said, that which we don’t like in others, we don’t like in ourselves. So if you seeing something that another should be doing, having, or being, then it is likely that you are feeling this within yourself.
Let them live their lives and you live your life and concentrate on having the most joyous experience ever. It is not your responsibility to run someone else’s life, no matter how well meaning you may be.
The best thing you can do for anyone who isn’t living the life that they wish, is to focus upon their best selves- their happy, joyous self. Use the power of your focus to see them living the life they are wanting for themselves (and not the life you want for them!) and see them enjoying life.
The advice is neither to join them in their problem nor ignore them altogether but to view them through the eyes of Source. Just know that they are going through great asking (i.e. Step 1 of the 3 step process) and are adding more and more good stuff to their vibrational escrow.
When you focus upon who they really are, then you are able to help line them up with the solution from a place of strength. It is all too easy to feel sorry for them, start vibrating at their level and then not only do you feel bad, you are likely to end up attracting the same situation as you remain in that energetic place.
It can be difficult to deal with someone who is being a pain, especially if you are in close quarters together. This is when your focus is really put to the test. If you really want to change the situation in an easy way, then I would advise spending some time, when you’re alone and feeling more objective about the situation to sit down and write a list of positive aspects about this person. And really feel the appreciation flow through you towards this person. If you find a list too difficult, then choose only one thing, but make this one thing your dominant vibration. So when you think of them, this is the first thing you think about (and not how annoying they are!).
When you have shifted vibration significantly, you will usually find them acting in more ways which are pleasing to you. You will also find that you are being nicer to them which will in turn elicit a better relationship. If it turns out that your vibration is too high, then a natural separation will occur as the Law Of Attraction will not keep anything in your experience which is contrary to that which you are emitting.
NB: The leading edge distinction I want to give you, is that you do not make the list of positive aspects to change someone. Even at the basis of that, is the underlying vibration of you acknowledging that they are being different from how you want them to be. You do the appreciation because it feels good to you, because you are a lover to the very core of your being. And also because you are setting your vibrational tone. And when you set your tone purely towards the best of someone, they cannot give you anything else- for it is against the Law Of Attraction.
The answer to this is a simple no. This is what we call ‘looking for love in the wrong places.’ By needing someone to love you (or show any sort of behaviour that you demand from them), you are looking outside yourself for fulfilment. And this can lead to unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
But what you can do is allow the love to flow through you towards that person. So you feel warmth, appreciation and exhilaration towards that person when you think of loving them, not a feeling of lack and ‘why don’t you love me?’
When your true focus is on the love flowing through you, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you your perfect mate who is a match. And it might be the person you are focused upon or it could be someone else who is infinitely better for you.
From Source’s point of view, nothing is bad or good i.e. there is no judgement on any action whatsoever. The only issue is if you are in alignment or not. It is only when someone acts against their beliefs that things start to go awry. So if you believe ‘cheating’ to be bad, then you will have split your energy and then the Law Of Attraction brings you things which match this.
However, if you have no negative feelings towards cheating, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you partners who are in alignment with an open relationship and there will be no ‘cheating’. The majority of negative things happen when people split their energy and feel bad about what they are doing or second guess themselves. It doesn’t matter what you do, just do it with full alignment and the Universe will deliver to you, positive things which are a match to this.
I would definitely not advise you to take any action before lining up your energy. What I mean by this is, you want to work yourself into as good a feeling place as possible and then take action from there.
People usually look out into the world and find parts which are not pleasing within something or someone else. Then from that place they try to change everything on the outside to make themselves feel better. It is very easy to find fault within someone such as a partner because you’ve been with them for a while, and so get lazy with your focus. And the more you focus upon the irritating parts of them, the more you extract that from them.
What I would advise is to make a list of qualities you really love about them, so when you think about them, it is with that fond appreciation. And then, once you’ve made this your dominant vibration, then either they will give you the best of themselves and you’ll realise that you do want to be with them, or something will happen that will end the relationship- either they’ll leave, you’ll find someone else or the relationship will come to a natural end.
Things will go much smoother for you if you can work it into a better feeling space before taking any hasty action and trying to use that fix the situation. Again, set your vibrational tone and then allow the Law Of Attraction to do the work.
Whilst I have no doubts that you could be satisfied with one specific partner forever more. There is a certain tension to the notion that there is only one person out there in the world who can fulfil your relationship needs for the rest of your life.
I do believe that certain individuals are a better fit and compatible with you. However, I don’t believe that there is only one soulmate. As you grow and change through life, your needs and preferences change, who you thought was marriage material when you were 18 is likely (though not impossibly so) to be completely different when you are 35.
If you can accept that you are a complete being and you can be happy on your own with yourself. But also be open to the fact that you can be satisfied in a relationship with potentially anyone (because you can tune your focus so finely that you can see positive aspects in all you meet). Then you will be far closer to finding that one person who you could spend eternity with. This is because you will be in a relaxed, open state to receive the good that is yours. It is only when you release the need that it has to be a certain way and you cannot be happy unless this, this and this criteria are all met with this one partner, that you can become a vibrational match to what you do want.
So many long lasting relationships that I have witnessed come together have been as a result of a casual, fun interaction.
There are many ways you can try attracting a satisfying partner. First, start offering the area some ease. Thinking thoughts such as ‘I’m happy now with who I am and what I’m doing. I know a partner would complement the wonderful life I’m already living. I know that with all the sifting and sorting over the years with what I do and don’t want, this partner is already ready and waiting for me. I just have to get into a good space and it will be magical how we meet.’
Some powerful ways of focusing would be to:
All of these games are designed to help you feel excited about your imminent partner. If at any time they are activating doubt, incredulity or lack, then it is better you take your attention away from the subject and focus upon more pleasing topics.
This would depend on the specifics but my advice would be to go general with a subject as potentially complicated as this. I would encourage focusing not upon the person but the characteristics of why you like this person e.g. you appreciate their good looks, their sense of humour, ability to make you smile, their charm and so on. Hopefully you will begin to realise that these qualities can be met by another person as opposed to these needs only being able to be fulfilled by this individual.
Although it may seem that only this person will do, if you can truly open yourself up and know that your relationship needs can be met by anyone, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you someone who is pleasing on all levels.
If you can accept that it really isn’t about this person but about how you are feeling when you are flowing your energy towards the individual- that pure love and appreciation, then you will go about attracting more pleasing things to you. You only want this relationship because you feel that in the having of it, you will feel better. But if you can feel better anyway, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you your goodies much faster!
When you truly have locked your vibration on to the feelings of love and are a match to all the wonderful qualities of a partnership, then either this specific person will easily make their way to you or another one as pleasing or even more brilliant will be in your experience. The key here is just to offer yourself some ease, because if you are looking upon this person and feeling resentment or lack or jealousy, then you are blocking your energy, but when you focus upon anything with joyous appreciation, now you are a match to pure well being.
For better or for worse, I do believe we chose our family before we came into this experience. (When I say ‘family’ I’m generally referring to those we grew up with, as for one reason or another, your biological parents may not have raised you).
If you get on fabulously with your family, then that’s great and you probably won’t even need this question. However, if you did have a contrasting upbringing, then take comfort in the fact that on some level, it was a chosen pre-birth co-creation agreement. ‘Why did I choose them?’ I hear you ask! Because you knew it would draw forth from you more focus and the best of you. That is the value of contrast, all the most successful people have been through the strongest of contrast and when you clear it, what waits for you is so much bigger and brighter than you would ever imagine.
As with all your relationships, if you can focus upon as many positive aspects of anyone, then you will evoke the best from them. Or they will be released from your experience. Your job is not to control who is in your life, but more, how you feel and then let the rest sort itself out.
Whilst you may not agree, I believe that all people (including parents) are doing the best they could at any point in time. Ultimately, they are only acting out of their own perspective and whilst it may not have been the best for you, they are who they are and the sooner you can move on from any negative aspects and behaviour, the sooner you will come into alignment with you.
When Louise Hay was working through the abuse she was put through by her parents, she researched their childhoods and discovered that they had horrible upbringings. This helped her understand that if they were never loved then how could they have known how to love her?
The sooner you can move past this, as difficult as it may be, the better life will start going for you, because if you use anything to stop your feeling good, then you are blocking the good which you have lined up vibrationallly from making its way to you.
I would advise at a minimum to try to find one good thing about them or at the very least one positive thing that resulted from the experience and make this the first thing you think of when you contemplate them.
I remember in a group I attended, someone was coaching a gentleman through a tough relationship. She pushed for him to find one good thing- his shoes, his tie, anything! Eventually he could find a couple of positive aspects about this person who was troubling him. He came back the next week and told us that it was the relationship with his father he was working on and within that week they had been in touch and things had been better than ever before. This is the power of shifting your focus!
Whilst this can be an incredibly tricky and emotional subject, laden with guilt and heavy emotions, you must do your best to stay in your good feeling space. This is even more important as there are many who will be demanding different things from you.
First and foremost you must make sure you are clear minded, which means resting and having some time to yourself and/or with those who are uplifting- these are likely to be people not involved in the situation. This is vital as you serve others best when you are taken care of and have a clear head.
Reach for better feeling thoughts, such as ‘If this person needs to be put into care, then I trust that those who take care of them will do the best possible job, that all parties involved will be satisfied, that things are always working out for us all.’ Whether you put this loved one into a facility or decide to look after them yourself, it doesn’t matter. Just line up with the decision you’re making and then things will go easier.
It is so important you release any feelings of worry, doubt or guilt as these feel awful and will hamper your vibration. You are not and cannot be in charge of anyone else’s life experience except your own. Bless the situation with love and see what good can come out of it.
My main advice for a parent would be to get out of the way and let their child live life as they wish. See them as happy, thriving, smart, abundant, brilliant and loved, whatever this means to the child and not what would make you happy to see them live.
I believe parents are just the physical vehicle in which to get the child into the world and provide sustenance whilst they are growing up. But as soon as possible, start training the child to trust in their own gut feelings and to help instil self confidence. Ideally, reduce the amount of behaviour that is dictated to them and allow the child to find their own way through life. If you could trust that that child is a perfect being of Source and they would succeed if they were able to follow their emotional guidance system, then life would be so much more enjoyable for all involved.
Whilst it is usually well intentioned- where parents tend to go wrong is they want their child to have an easy, usually different life to the ones that they have lived or to live in exactly the same manner. But the energy that has culminated into the next generation is always pushing things to the next level. You want your children to have safe, easy lives but that is not what they came forth to do.
They have their own leading edge intentions and own reasons for being here. Let them express themselves in the way they see fit, even if it is not to your liking. Instead, do your best to see the very best in them and watch them give the best of themselves to you, and thrive!
Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Alan Sugar are just some examples of those who were not academically minded and were seen as misfits in their schools. However, they have done incredibly well by following their passions and inner guidance.
Perhaps one of the harder things than forgiving someone else, is forgiving yourself! For your own well being you have to let yourself off the hook. You were doing the best you could at any particular point in time. What is in the past is over and there is no point blocking off your point of attraction now and in the future for something that you cannot go back and change.
All of life is co creation, so the other person was on some level a vibrational match to all that went on, so there is no blame, coercion or one sidedness. The best thing you can do for yourself and the others is to let the past go and start speaking and thinking of how you want the relationship to move forward. And if they are not in your life, then just visualise them happy and well. Nothing and no one (including yourself!) is worth feeling bad for.
Be easy about this and align with Source’s unconditional love for you, because it only ever sees you as the perfect being that you are, at all times.
Self love is the crux of all beingness! Whilst you can look at anything or anyone around you, feel the love and appreciation and have all your good flow to you. You’re with you 24/7, so it would serve you to find as much as you can about what you love about yourself. We all have self doubt, self criticism and possible things we hate about ourselves. However, to be able to truly feel good about yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
Louise Hay’s work is founded in self love. To look in the mirror and say to yourself ‘I love you, I really, really love you’ is an incredibly powerful tool. When she first started coaching people 1-2-1, she would work on money, then relationships etc, but when she could just get them to love themselves, everything in their life would get fixed. The Universe loves love and appreciation so when you are flowing this towards the most important person in the world to you- you, then it will bring you all the things which are a match to this.
One great technique is called ‘mirror work.’ Everytime you pass a reflection of yourself- in the bathroom, brushing your teeth, passing a shop window etc, catch yourself in the eye and think ‘I love you, I really love you.’ This does wonders for you more than looking at yourself and declaring ‘you’re looking too fat/thin/ugly/spotty/pale/dark.’ Anything that makes you feel bad does not help allow in all those good things into your life.
First thing is to go easy on yourself. Everyone to some degree experiences some sort of insecurity. I’m sure that even those who seem most confident and have it all together have moments of self doubt and insecurity.
However, it is how you deal with the insecurity that counts. Some use fear and worry to push themselves to search for something greater. This was the case with myself- I was so tired of feeling terrified all the time that I knew there had to be a better way.
One technique to dealing with this is to divert your attention to something pleasing, like a flower, a song or anything to distract yourself. We are in our minds all the time and practise is so incredibly important. I’ve heard that we have over 100,000 thoughts a day, of which the majority are the same as the previous day. If we are going to change for the good, it is key to be aware. It doesn’t take any extra time to think differently, it just takes conscious effort and that is what makes the difference between those who are ‘successful’ and those who stay in negative states of being.
If fear is what you’re dealing with, then Susan Jeffers book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ can be incredibly empowering.
If loving yourself is the issue, then Louise Hay’s ‘How To Love Yourself’ and ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ books and mirror work techniques are brilliant.
There is little more counterproductive to your well being than trying to convince someone of something or trying to get another person to change their behaviour. You need to let go of another person having to be different in order for you to be happy. That is what is at the heart of most disharmony and wars upon this planet. Trying to change the way another person lives their life is setting yourself up for heartbreak. And even if you could get someone to change, there would always be something about them that you would want to be different and so it is never ending. And even if they did change, they would most likely feel resentment towards you and possibly snap at some point.
The best thing to do is let that person live their life, in the way that they see fit. No matter how ‘wrong’ you may think they are, the best thing you can do for yourself is to either focus upon the aspects of them that you love or just take your attention off them completely. You do no one any good beating the drum of what you don’t like about them.
And to flip the situation around- wouldn’t you find it incredibly irritating if someone kept trying to change you and point out what you were doing ‘wrong’- you get that enough from your parents!
An old phrase goes along the lines of ‘stop trying to teach a pig to speak English. It’s a waste of your time and it annoys the pig!’
No! Not at all! There is a distinction that needs to be clarified- tolerating is looking at something that you do not like and through gritted teeth and baring it. Allowing is shifting your attention to focus on that which is pleasing about it.
So if someone is being abusive towards you. Instead of bottling it up and tolerating their meanness, you want to shift your focus, activate the things you like about them, so it is not possible for them to give you anything but the best of themselves. This takes a lot of work and practise, especially if you really don’t like them, but you want to feel good for the benefit it brings you, not them.
Trust me, if you really can do this, then you will be amazed at the different way in how they interact with you.
Every co creation is a result of the Law Of Attraction reflecting the various points of harmony and so, no one is ever mean towards you without something within you being a match to it. The insecurity expressed by the bullying is a perfect match to the insecurity felt within the victim. It is all a perfect vibrational match, just expressed in different ways.
When you train yourself to see good in others, they will not be able to give you anything but the best of themselves as you will be inspired to act in ways which elicit this behaviour from them. Combine this with loving yourself and you have a confident individual who will uplift and bring joy to those lucky enough to know. Of this I am certain.
As always, these are just my opinions. Use your own gut to work out what your truth is. Please seek appropriate professional help before making any major life changes.
- What’s the deal with relationships?
Relationships are a fundamental reason for being here. Your relationship with anything affects your point of attraction and therefore what is brought to you.
I believe that there are different types of relationships:
- Relationships with those you knew before you came into this physical life experience and agreed to have major experience with (usually family or people who you grew up with)
- Those who you knew before but meet later in life (partners, good friends etc)
- Those who you did not know in a previous life but came across each other in this life as you were a vibrational match.
Ultimately, I do not believe it is important to know which relationship falls into which category and I would not advise you to spend too much time trying to work that. As long as you are doing your best to activate the good points of those in your life, then that is all that matters. If you have known someone for thousands of years, or just one minute, all that is relevant is that you feel good!
- Can I create for someone else (i.e. fix their life)?
No, I’m afraid you cannot create in someone else’s reality. It’s a small thing called ‘free will!’ You and you alone are responsible for your life and experience and they and they along are responsible for their life experience. You cannot do for another; they have to choose how they life their life. And whilst you may have the purest of intentions, it really is their experience.
Everyone has their own perspective- especially on how to go round fixing everyone else’s life. However, you must make your focus, feeling good. And odds are, if you looking at what someone else should be doing, then you are almost certainly focusing upon lack and whether it is lack within self, or another individual- it is still lack. And you will eventually make that, your point of attraction.
It has been wisely said, that which we don’t like in others, we don’t like in ourselves. So if you seeing something that another should be doing, having, or being, then it is likely that you are feeling this within yourself.
Let them live their lives and you live your life and concentrate on having the most joyous experience ever. It is not your responsibility to run someone else’s life, no matter how well meaning you may be.
- What can I do for a loved one who is sick/depressed etc?
The best thing you can do for anyone who isn’t living the life that they wish, is to focus upon their best selves- their happy, joyous self. Use the power of your focus to see them living the life they are wanting for themselves (and not the life you want for them!) and see them enjoying life.
The advice is neither to join them in their problem nor ignore them altogether but to view them through the eyes of Source. Just know that they are going through great asking (i.e. Step 1 of the 3 step process) and are adding more and more good stuff to their vibrational escrow.
When you focus upon who they really are, then you are able to help line them up with the solution from a place of strength. It is all too easy to feel sorry for them, start vibrating at their level and then not only do you feel bad, you are likely to end up attracting the same situation as you remain in that energetic place.
- My roommate/partner/workmate/friend is really driving me mad! What to do?
It can be difficult to deal with someone who is being a pain, especially if you are in close quarters together. This is when your focus is really put to the test. If you really want to change the situation in an easy way, then I would advise spending some time, when you’re alone and feeling more objective about the situation to sit down and write a list of positive aspects about this person. And really feel the appreciation flow through you towards this person. If you find a list too difficult, then choose only one thing, but make this one thing your dominant vibration. So when you think of them, this is the first thing you think about (and not how annoying they are!).
When you have shifted vibration significantly, you will usually find them acting in more ways which are pleasing to you. You will also find that you are being nicer to them which will in turn elicit a better relationship. If it turns out that your vibration is too high, then a natural separation will occur as the Law Of Attraction will not keep anything in your experience which is contrary to that which you are emitting.
NB: The leading edge distinction I want to give you, is that you do not make the list of positive aspects to change someone. Even at the basis of that, is the underlying vibration of you acknowledging that they are being different from how you want them to be. You do the appreciation because it feels good to you, because you are a lover to the very core of your being. And also because you are setting your vibrational tone. And when you set your tone purely towards the best of someone, they cannot give you anything else- for it is against the Law Of Attraction.
- Can I make someone love me?
The answer to this is a simple no. This is what we call ‘looking for love in the wrong places.’ By needing someone to love you (or show any sort of behaviour that you demand from them), you are looking outside yourself for fulfilment. And this can lead to unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
But what you can do is allow the love to flow through you towards that person. So you feel warmth, appreciation and exhilaration towards that person when you think of loving them, not a feeling of lack and ‘why don’t you love me?’
When your true focus is on the love flowing through you, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you your perfect mate who is a match. And it might be the person you are focused upon or it could be someone else who is infinitely better for you.
- Is ‘cheating’ on a partner bad?
From Source’s point of view, nothing is bad or good i.e. there is no judgement on any action whatsoever. The only issue is if you are in alignment or not. It is only when someone acts against their beliefs that things start to go awry. So if you believe ‘cheating’ to be bad, then you will have split your energy and then the Law Of Attraction brings you things which match this.
However, if you have no negative feelings towards cheating, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you partners who are in alignment with an open relationship and there will be no ‘cheating’. The majority of negative things happen when people split their energy and feel bad about what they are doing or second guess themselves. It doesn’t matter what you do, just do it with full alignment and the Universe will deliver to you, positive things which are a match to this.
- I want to break up with partner. Should I?
I would definitely not advise you to take any action before lining up your energy. What I mean by this is, you want to work yourself into as good a feeling place as possible and then take action from there.
People usually look out into the world and find parts which are not pleasing within something or someone else. Then from that place they try to change everything on the outside to make themselves feel better. It is very easy to find fault within someone such as a partner because you’ve been with them for a while, and so get lazy with your focus. And the more you focus upon the irritating parts of them, the more you extract that from them.
What I would advise is to make a list of qualities you really love about them, so when you think about them, it is with that fond appreciation. And then, once you’ve made this your dominant vibration, then either they will give you the best of themselves and you’ll realise that you do want to be with them, or something will happen that will end the relationship- either they’ll leave, you’ll find someone else or the relationship will come to a natural end.
Things will go much smoother for you if you can work it into a better feeling space before taking any hasty action and trying to use that fix the situation. Again, set your vibrational tone and then allow the Law Of Attraction to do the work.
- I want to find my Soulmate/my one true love!
Whilst I have no doubts that you could be satisfied with one specific partner forever more. There is a certain tension to the notion that there is only one person out there in the world who can fulfil your relationship needs for the rest of your life.
I do believe that certain individuals are a better fit and compatible with you. However, I don’t believe that there is only one soulmate. As you grow and change through life, your needs and preferences change, who you thought was marriage material when you were 18 is likely (though not impossibly so) to be completely different when you are 35.
If you can accept that you are a complete being and you can be happy on your own with yourself. But also be open to the fact that you can be satisfied in a relationship with potentially anyone (because you can tune your focus so finely that you can see positive aspects in all you meet). Then you will be far closer to finding that one person who you could spend eternity with. This is because you will be in a relaxed, open state to receive the good that is yours. It is only when you release the need that it has to be a certain way and you cannot be happy unless this, this and this criteria are all met with this one partner, that you can become a vibrational match to what you do want.
So many long lasting relationships that I have witnessed come together have been as a result of a casual, fun interaction.
- What can I do to attract a partner?
There are many ways you can try attracting a satisfying partner. First, start offering the area some ease. Thinking thoughts such as ‘I’m happy now with who I am and what I’m doing. I know a partner would complement the wonderful life I’m already living. I know that with all the sifting and sorting over the years with what I do and don’t want, this partner is already ready and waiting for me. I just have to get into a good space and it will be magical how we meet.’
Some powerful ways of focusing would be to:
- Write a list of qualities you would like in a partner
- Cut out images of your ideal partners and activities and post them to a board or copy and paste images to a computer document
- Prepare your bed, a meal as if your partner were there
- Imagine an ideal date, first meeting
- Write a list of appreciation for your ex partners (although this is challenging, if you’re holding any relationship in a negative light, then this can easily block your vibration. If you can think of your old partners and hold the vibration of ‘thank you for being with me at that point in time,’ you will be raising and clearing out any old patterns holding you back)
- Start talking to your friends as if your partner has arrived (this works with other people who ‘get it.’ Those who don’t understand about vibration might think you are crazy and introduce resistance into your fun game)
All of these games are designed to help you feel excited about your imminent partner. If at any time they are activating doubt, incredulity or lack, then it is better you take your attention away from the subject and focus upon more pleasing topics.
- The person I want is already in a relationship! What can I do?
This would depend on the specifics but my advice would be to go general with a subject as potentially complicated as this. I would encourage focusing not upon the person but the characteristics of why you like this person e.g. you appreciate their good looks, their sense of humour, ability to make you smile, their charm and so on. Hopefully you will begin to realise that these qualities can be met by another person as opposed to these needs only being able to be fulfilled by this individual.
Although it may seem that only this person will do, if you can truly open yourself up and know that your relationship needs can be met by anyone, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you someone who is pleasing on all levels.
If you can accept that it really isn’t about this person but about how you are feeling when you are flowing your energy towards the individual- that pure love and appreciation, then you will go about attracting more pleasing things to you. You only want this relationship because you feel that in the having of it, you will feel better. But if you can feel better anyway, then the Law Of Attraction will bring you your goodies much faster!
When you truly have locked your vibration on to the feelings of love and are a match to all the wonderful qualities of a partnership, then either this specific person will easily make their way to you or another one as pleasing or even more brilliant will be in your experience. The key here is just to offer yourself some ease, because if you are looking upon this person and feeling resentment or lack or jealousy, then you are blocking your energy, but when you focus upon anything with joyous appreciation, now you are a match to pure well being.
- Did I choose my family before I came forth?
For better or for worse, I do believe we chose our family before we came into this experience. (When I say ‘family’ I’m generally referring to those we grew up with, as for one reason or another, your biological parents may not have raised you).
If you get on fabulously with your family, then that’s great and you probably won’t even need this question. However, if you did have a contrasting upbringing, then take comfort in the fact that on some level, it was a chosen pre-birth co-creation agreement. ‘Why did I choose them?’ I hear you ask! Because you knew it would draw forth from you more focus and the best of you. That is the value of contrast, all the most successful people have been through the strongest of contrast and when you clear it, what waits for you is so much bigger and brighter than you would ever imagine.
As with all your relationships, if you can focus upon as many positive aspects of anyone, then you will evoke the best from them. Or they will be released from your experience. Your job is not to control who is in your life, but more, how you feel and then let the rest sort itself out.
- I hate my parents! Why are they so awful?
Whilst you may not agree, I believe that all people (including parents) are doing the best they could at any point in time. Ultimately, they are only acting out of their own perspective and whilst it may not have been the best for you, they are who they are and the sooner you can move on from any negative aspects and behaviour, the sooner you will come into alignment with you.
When Louise Hay was working through the abuse she was put through by her parents, she researched their childhoods and discovered that they had horrible upbringings. This helped her understand that if they were never loved then how could they have known how to love her?
The sooner you can move past this, as difficult as it may be, the better life will start going for you, because if you use anything to stop your feeling good, then you are blocking the good which you have lined up vibrationallly from making its way to you.
I would advise at a minimum to try to find one good thing about them or at the very least one positive thing that resulted from the experience and make this the first thing you think of when you contemplate them.
I remember in a group I attended, someone was coaching a gentleman through a tough relationship. She pushed for him to find one good thing- his shoes, his tie, anything! Eventually he could find a couple of positive aspects about this person who was troubling him. He came back the next week and told us that it was the relationship with his father he was working on and within that week they had been in touch and things had been better than ever before. This is the power of shifting your focus!
- A family members needs to be put into care but I feel bad!
Whilst this can be an incredibly tricky and emotional subject, laden with guilt and heavy emotions, you must do your best to stay in your good feeling space. This is even more important as there are many who will be demanding different things from you.
First and foremost you must make sure you are clear minded, which means resting and having some time to yourself and/or with those who are uplifting- these are likely to be people not involved in the situation. This is vital as you serve others best when you are taken care of and have a clear head.
Reach for better feeling thoughts, such as ‘If this person needs to be put into care, then I trust that those who take care of them will do the best possible job, that all parties involved will be satisfied, that things are always working out for us all.’ Whether you put this loved one into a facility or decide to look after them yourself, it doesn’t matter. Just line up with the decision you’re making and then things will go easier.
It is so important you release any feelings of worry, doubt or guilt as these feel awful and will hamper your vibration. You are not and cannot be in charge of anyone else’s life experience except your own. Bless the situation with love and see what good can come out of it.
- What advice would you have for a parent?
My main advice for a parent would be to get out of the way and let their child live life as they wish. See them as happy, thriving, smart, abundant, brilliant and loved, whatever this means to the child and not what would make you happy to see them live.
I believe parents are just the physical vehicle in which to get the child into the world and provide sustenance whilst they are growing up. But as soon as possible, start training the child to trust in their own gut feelings and to help instil self confidence. Ideally, reduce the amount of behaviour that is dictated to them and allow the child to find their own way through life. If you could trust that that child is a perfect being of Source and they would succeed if they were able to follow their emotional guidance system, then life would be so much more enjoyable for all involved.
Whilst it is usually well intentioned- where parents tend to go wrong is they want their child to have an easy, usually different life to the ones that they have lived or to live in exactly the same manner. But the energy that has culminated into the next generation is always pushing things to the next level. You want your children to have safe, easy lives but that is not what they came forth to do.
They have their own leading edge intentions and own reasons for being here. Let them express themselves in the way they see fit, even if it is not to your liking. Instead, do your best to see the very best in them and watch them give the best of themselves to you, and thrive!
Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Alan Sugar are just some examples of those who were not academically minded and were seen as misfits in their schools. However, they have done incredibly well by following their passions and inner guidance.
- I feel bad for the way I treated my child/partner/family member/friend. What can I do to fix it?
Perhaps one of the harder things than forgiving someone else, is forgiving yourself! For your own well being you have to let yourself off the hook. You were doing the best you could at any particular point in time. What is in the past is over and there is no point blocking off your point of attraction now and in the future for something that you cannot go back and change.
All of life is co creation, so the other person was on some level a vibrational match to all that went on, so there is no blame, coercion or one sidedness. The best thing you can do for yourself and the others is to let the past go and start speaking and thinking of how you want the relationship to move forward. And if they are not in your life, then just visualise them happy and well. Nothing and no one (including yourself!) is worth feeling bad for.
Be easy about this and align with Source’s unconditional love for you, because it only ever sees you as the perfect being that you are, at all times.
- Why is self love so important?
Self love is the crux of all beingness! Whilst you can look at anything or anyone around you, feel the love and appreciation and have all your good flow to you. You’re with you 24/7, so it would serve you to find as much as you can about what you love about yourself. We all have self doubt, self criticism and possible things we hate about ourselves. However, to be able to truly feel good about yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
Louise Hay’s work is founded in self love. To look in the mirror and say to yourself ‘I love you, I really, really love you’ is an incredibly powerful tool. When she first started coaching people 1-2-1, she would work on money, then relationships etc, but when she could just get them to love themselves, everything in their life would get fixed. The Universe loves love and appreciation so when you are flowing this towards the most important person in the world to you- you, then it will bring you all the things which are a match to this.
One great technique is called ‘mirror work.’ Everytime you pass a reflection of yourself- in the bathroom, brushing your teeth, passing a shop window etc, catch yourself in the eye and think ‘I love you, I really love you.’ This does wonders for you more than looking at yourself and declaring ‘you’re looking too fat/thin/ugly/spotty/pale/dark.’ Anything that makes you feel bad does not help allow in all those good things into your life.
- I am incredibly insecure! What can I do?
First thing is to go easy on yourself. Everyone to some degree experiences some sort of insecurity. I’m sure that even those who seem most confident and have it all together have moments of self doubt and insecurity.
However, it is how you deal with the insecurity that counts. Some use fear and worry to push themselves to search for something greater. This was the case with myself- I was so tired of feeling terrified all the time that I knew there had to be a better way.
One technique to dealing with this is to divert your attention to something pleasing, like a flower, a song or anything to distract yourself. We are in our minds all the time and practise is so incredibly important. I’ve heard that we have over 100,000 thoughts a day, of which the majority are the same as the previous day. If we are going to change for the good, it is key to be aware. It doesn’t take any extra time to think differently, it just takes conscious effort and that is what makes the difference between those who are ‘successful’ and those who stay in negative states of being.
If fear is what you’re dealing with, then Susan Jeffers book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ can be incredibly empowering.
If loving yourself is the issue, then Louise Hay’s ‘How To Love Yourself’ and ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ books and mirror work techniques are brilliant.
- I need to show that person their wrongdoings!
There is little more counterproductive to your well being than trying to convince someone of something or trying to get another person to change their behaviour. You need to let go of another person having to be different in order for you to be happy. That is what is at the heart of most disharmony and wars upon this planet. Trying to change the way another person lives their life is setting yourself up for heartbreak. And even if you could get someone to change, there would always be something about them that you would want to be different and so it is never ending. And even if they did change, they would most likely feel resentment towards you and possibly snap at some point.
The best thing to do is let that person live their life, in the way that they see fit. No matter how ‘wrong’ you may think they are, the best thing you can do for yourself is to either focus upon the aspects of them that you love or just take your attention off them completely. You do no one any good beating the drum of what you don’t like about them.
And to flip the situation around- wouldn’t you find it incredibly irritating if someone kept trying to change you and point out what you were doing ‘wrong’- you get that enough from your parents!
An old phrase goes along the lines of ‘stop trying to teach a pig to speak English. It’s a waste of your time and it annoys the pig!’
- So you’re saying I have to be a doormat and tolerate all the horrible people in my life?
No! Not at all! There is a distinction that needs to be clarified- tolerating is looking at something that you do not like and through gritted teeth and baring it. Allowing is shifting your attention to focus on that which is pleasing about it.
So if someone is being abusive towards you. Instead of bottling it up and tolerating their meanness, you want to shift your focus, activate the things you like about them, so it is not possible for them to give you anything but the best of themselves. This takes a lot of work and practise, especially if you really don’t like them, but you want to feel good for the benefit it brings you, not them.
Trust me, if you really can do this, then you will be amazed at the different way in how they interact with you.
Every co creation is a result of the Law Of Attraction reflecting the various points of harmony and so, no one is ever mean towards you without something within you being a match to it. The insecurity expressed by the bullying is a perfect match to the insecurity felt within the victim. It is all a perfect vibrational match, just expressed in different ways.
When you train yourself to see good in others, they will not be able to give you anything but the best of themselves as you will be inspired to act in ways which elicit this behaviour from them. Combine this with loving yourself and you have a confident individual who will uplift and bring joy to those lucky enough to know. Of this I am certain.